Somebody Else's Thoughts, No. I

Yes: wisdom begins with fear of the Lord,
which comprehends the power that made the seas,
the earth, the shimmering dawn, the unexplored
unfathomed skies, the moon, and the Pleiades.
Which also know Who comes to judge our shoddy
little failing lives, knowing full well,
we need not fear the one who kills the body,
but only He who condemns the soul to hell.
Which also knows it magnifies the Lord,
defying the demon, being the only release,
oddly enough, from fear, being its own reward,
which is also wise, is faith, is hope, is peace,
is tender mercy, over and over again,
until, at last, is love, is love. Amen.

William Baer

Lost and Found

When I was going through a problem, my psychologist asked me, “Ryan, are you good or bad?”

I replied, “Well I’ve done some good, but I know I’ve done evil…”

“Are you a success or a failure?”

“I sure feel like a failure right now, but to other people’s standards…”

“Are you a sinner or a saint?”

“I…don’t know.”

The answer to all of those questions, he told me, was yes. He then went on to quote Dietrich Bonhoeffer who said something about how when we come together as the body of Christ, we are altogether sinners and saints.

Morning has broken

A friend of mine recently stated that the definition of God (or the Biblical definition) for a day is "evening and morning", rather than "morning and evening", and that our definition should be likewise.

I was rather bothered by this idea. I didn't get the point of such observance, even though as an Adventist I observe the Sabbath from evening to evening. But why on earth should we observe everyday, at least from a spiritual aspect, as evening and morning? It seems as if the entire world begins in the morning and ends at night; the pulse of humanity starts in the morning and dies down as darkness sets. Do we have anything to gain from believing our day starts the evening before?

Recently I came across these two Protestant evangelists on a cable channel discussing Jewish beliefs that can be observed by Christianity, and they brought up the evening and morning concept, underlining it with a quote by Eugene Peterson:

"This Hebrew evening/morning sequence conditions us to the rhythms of grace. We go to sleep, and God begins his work. As we sleep he develops His covenant. We wake and are called to participate in God's creative action. We respond in faith, in work. But always grace is previous. Grace is primary. We wake into a world we didn't make, into a salvation we didn't earn.

Evening: God begins, without our help, His creative day. Morning: God calls us to enjoy and share and develop the work He initiated. Creation and covenant are sheer grace and there to greet us every morning."

What an idea. We are conditioned to the rhythm of grace. I would say more, but I believe Peterson made sense out of this.

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

It's nearly an hour past midnight here on a Wednesday morning. My mind is buzzing with so many different thoughts that I just can't lie down and sleep. I've been feeling this way quite often since I got out of school. I feel surrounded yet alone in my corner of the world all at once.

Always I've said that the night is my friend. There is a certain peace to the night that cannot be found anywhere any other time. It is only I and the buzz of my computer, and the ticking of a clock. But there is this resounding symphony of ideas and emotions and expressions that comes from all points of the day, that are then drawn into this late hour of the night. This symphony is one of confusion and commotion, but because it carries my emotions and feelings, it means much to me. So I feel drawn to make sense out of this jumble, but my mind is too tired and weary that I let my dreams organize the score itself. After all, the night is my friend; I'll let the night take care of it. I suppose this is why I've had some messed up dreams lately, and why, bluntly and honestly, someone I like keeps recurring in my dreams nightly. That's nightly. Which is fine with me. But I desperately wish for reality.

Now let's summarize sans Freud: Like I said earlier, I can't sleep. I've got a lot on my mind.

I'm feeling like a captain of a sinking ship. I'm living alone here at the edge of the world.

One of Bobby Kennedy's favorite poets was Aeschylus, and he once reflected on where the road lies, saying,

"Even in our dreams, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom by the awful grace of God."

Were the world mine

At the end of a certain experience or at the closing of a chapter in one's life, you wonder whether you did everything you wanted to do, or say everything you wanted to say, or love the things or people you wanted to love. Or at least I wonder that.

For the last week or so, I've found myself having difficulty sleeping with incessant thoughts running through my mind. I wish I had more time. Being an adult sucks. It's so lonely. Thoreau's Walden seems quite applicable right now.

So I wonder if I did everything I wanted to do over the last four years of my high school experience. If I had to admit it, I know I didn't do everything. And knowing what it is I wished I did, eats me up.

Ryan

Auburn, Washington

The summer's here, and all the roses blooming.

I had a very strange urge to begin writing this morning.
With the end of my high school experience met, I am indebted to write much and more often this summer. Once again I find myself at the same place I was four years ago, not quite ready to be a freshman in a new school.
I've looked at my blog's statistics and nobody really reads my blog. The last time I had a high ratings jump was when I blogged over my trip to Wisconsin. Then I hope it is safe to presume I can share some of my most intimate mysteries and ideas that few choose to query on.

I'll be right back.